Ladies and Gentlemen it is time for another installment of Monkey Brew U. This time we are going a little less on science here and depending more on personal opinions and societal views. Join me as I walk through the array of drink options and  what your drink may be telling us about you. Remember this is all in fun, and if you don’t like it well go fling some poo about it.

Beer 

Beer has often been associated as being more of a low class drink, not associated as having a sophisticated or refined pallet. However, there is the micro brew movement that has moved across the US that’s starting to change the way your beer makes you look. Craft beers have become fancy and trendy so what you order can say something distinctly unique about you. Such as a preference for local breweries or the type of lager or ale that pairs best with your dinner. You are starting to see connoisseurs of beer, beer snobs, and blogs dedicated solely to the exploration of beer. However, the craft beer movement isn’t so powerful that the likes of your Bud Light won’t still carry the lower class, sports jock or college student label. On the other end of the spectrum, you may just be a hipster.

Import beers are another realm of the beer world that really depends on what you are drinking, where you are drinking it, and when. If you are in a Mexican restaurant drinking a Corona, Tecate or Modelo or at an Irish pub and drinking down a Guinness, Smitwick’s or Harp don’t expect any bonus points on how cultured you look. The same can go for St. Patrick’s Day or Cinco de Mayo. On the other hand if you are exploring the first pilsner, Trappist beers, or any of the many other beers that truly represent a country it may play up your role as the adventurer/explorer. Time to work on your Indiana Jones sex appeal.

Liquor -

Whiskey – Sipping your bourbon, scotch or whiskey/whisky as is, on the rocks or with a splash of water gives you a hard edged appeal. Often those who drink this are associated with power like a businessman or given a rustic western feel. Also, sometimes you’ll see characters in movies and books have the aide of a straight drink like this to give them a rough around the edges look or as someone with a dark past. Not that any one of us have writers out penning complex characters for us, the association is out there if you can fit the look.

Vodka – vodka on the rocks make you look too timid to go bold and tango with the ‘tini. As a drink that is defined as not having a flavor, drinking this as is may leave you looking bland.

Tequila by Saguayo, on Flickr via Creative Commons

Tequila/Mezcal – More often than not you’ll be sucking these down with salt and a lime,  exuding an air of drunken debauchery ready to wake up next to a donkey wearing lipstick and the taste of regret in your mouth. Then again, on a rare occurrence you may find yourself dabbling with some high end tequila. That’s right I said high end, tequila that has been aged and refined. If you have a debonair look about you and a pencil thin mustache you just may have the title “Don” in front of your name.

Gin – You are probably living in a retirement village somewhere in Florida. Kudos to you for figuring out the internet box.

Rum – You may be a “Woo Girl” or a piratesque beach bum. On a rare occurrence you may be a college fraternity planning an indoor beach party trying to lure in Woo Girls. You like to sting up cheap tiki lights and are mildly OK with the comfort a coconut bra feels around your man boobs.

Brandy – Brandy, like wine, can give you one extreme or another which is befitting since they both stem from grapes. If you are not pouring it into your Waterford snifter you probably think of yourself as a fan of hip hop culture.  If you have no clue what the former is, I am really doubting the diamond earrings you have are even a classy knockoff like cubic zirconia.

Shots/Bombs – Party on Wayne! Quick and painless, minus the afterburn followed by the inevitable hangover. It doesn’t matter how you mix it up, you are looking for a quick buzz, usually at the expense of taste. That is, unless you sweeten it up with mixers that make it seem like you’re sucking on a lolipop that you dipped into your mom’s cosmopolitan.

Wine -

Sophistication, a sense of refinement that embraces the arts and has class. Although this is more reserved for a red wine drinker, unless you are a drunk Frenchman opening your bottle with your shoe. In that case all aspects of refinement goes out the window. This holds double if you are drinking any kind of wine that comes out of a box or is measured in gallons. The white wine drinker is seen  a bit differently, not someone who blends into the culture of wine and it’s stereotypical images associated with it. My default image is a suburban home at a summer’s cookout.

Pricing doesn’t matter as much anymore since the market for expensive wines is disappearing. There was an episode of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations where discussions led around the new culture of twist off/capped wine that is meant to be consumed right away versus corked wines (can’t remember which episode though).

Mixed Drink -

Mixed drinks come in all shapes, sizes and varieties as do the people who drink them. They can be complex and debonair like James Bond , a tipsy party girl, think margarita/pina colada, or a visitor of a golf course bar peppering your bloody mary. The problem with the exotic mixed drink is that it is often drunk by someone who is not exotic and only visiting some far off place or dreaming of somewhere else. For the gentleman mixed drinkers there is a good chance you are underage, which why are you even reading this. (Psst you can only refill up your daddy’s liquor stash with water so much before it ends up just being water)

Mixing your drinks can be an artform or a sticky blender disaster but typically it is a rare occasion that you will find a great mixed drink that has balls to it.

Malt Liquor

Seriously? If you are sucking on a bottle of malt liquor and you aren’t 14 this isn’t likely the only mistake you’ve made in life. I know the lure of cheap buzz is enticing but it is at the cost of taste and usually is served in 40oz bottles. By the time you get to the bottom of the bottle all you are left with is a warm backwash. That is, unless you are pouring your 40oz into a glass which I think it is safe to say you are a whole new style of odd.

Wine Cooler

pretty coolers... by ztil301, on Flickr via Creative Commons

I think the malt liquor drinking teenager is probably your boyfriend because you are very much a little high school girl. They may taste like candy but all that sweetness will make you sick to your stomach, and who is going to hold your hair when you throw up? Certainly not your boyfriend, he’s too busy yacking up the malt liquor which coincidentally is they only thing he has successfully done that has any kind of rhythm.